Real Mothers of the Empty Nest: Val's Story

Bobbi: 0:10

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Fly Mum, fly podcast. Today we're doing another Real Mothers of the Empty Nest, and sitting next to me here I have the beautiful Val, who has so ever graciously stepped up to tell us her story about her empty nest experience. Val, it's so lovely to have you here, absolutely.

Val: 0:38

Thank you so much for having me on. I've been stalking your podcast and I've just really enjoyed the energy that you bring, because I think there's so much knowledge to be able to share people's story and especially empty nesting because it's such an odd time, isn't it?

Bobbi: 0:58

Oh, look, absolutely it is. It's a time that most are not prepared for, and I think bringing it out more into the open, like this, I hope, is so beneficial. Because, look, it's one thing to have someone for instance, I've been coaching and assisting women in transition for 15 years and, although I've had to very much do my own empty nest work because that was a whole new set of grief and loss, emotions that I had never experienced before I could sit here and say right, this is what you have to do, this is what you have to do, and that, and then you'll be here and that's all well and good. But I really want to help other mums by being able to hear stories such as yours. You're an everyday empty nest mum. You've come on here to share your story, and for that I'm truly grateful.

Val: 1:54

Absolutely. Like I said, I tell my clients. I'm also a health coach and I also love to tell people. Share your stories, because there's so much power in realizing that you're not by yourself. And for me, especially middle age, it's just that time where it's you never know what's coming and even if you think, like you said, we prepared for empty nesting since the day our kids were born, but to actually experience it, that's a different creature altogether.

Bobbi: 2:28

Absolutely, and I didn't have my mum passed away when I was 16, so I didn't have that person to say oh, you know, it was hard and it was challenging. There are eight children in our family, so it would have been quite interesting, once the youngest left, to have had a sit down, chat with her and say what did you experience? Was there a bit of your heart that got chipped away when one of us left, and then the next, and the next and the next, but for her she didn't get to experience that. So I love getting to know other people's stories, such as yours. So can you let us know about your family dynamic and the kids you raised?

Val: 3:10

Absolutely so. I have two boys I guess they're grown men, 23 and 21 and they're both at Auburn University, which is not too far, about two and a half hours from me. I'm located in South Alabama and in the States and I my mother passed away early as well, so I was in my 30s, the boys were like three and five, and so it's so fascinating once you get kind of to this stage and be able to see how things kind of laid out, to see where things have gone, and so my middle age journey has been very unstable up and down, and that you know you've got hormones transitions, you've got my mother passed away early, I put myself in menopause like at age 47, I went through a divorce and started my own business, then my first born left and then two years later my second born left, and it's like this you know so much change in so little time, and that's what I want women to know is, when you have that much change in such a short period of time, it's unrealistic to think that you're going to glide through it with glitter and sunshine and just be fantastic all the time and to be able to sit with those uncomfortable emotions, whether it's grief of a parent passing or grief that your children have gone on, even though you're super excited. You know it's that those two emotions can't exist in the same plane, but it's just an interest for lack of a better word.

Bobbi: 5:06

It certainly is, and you bring experience in, something that will be valuable to a lot of our listeners. Your youngest left and you'd been through a divorce, as you said, which are two monumental life changing happenings. I went through my divorce 14 years ago, so I understand the enormity of that. Tell me what your emotions were like at that time and if you can also share with us how you think that the experience is different for an emptiness mama who is on her own. Oh gosh.

Val: 5:46

Well, you know, absolutely learning. You know I was married for 20 years and so anytime you've spent that a majority of time with one person when you have shifted into a divorce and it was very amicable. I'm from a small town and so you know being there for my children were was my number one, and so I wanted to make sure that they were handling it. I had my parents were also divorced when I was in my teens, so I kind of had that, you know, for past experience on maybe a little bit what they needed. So it was just a time where I kind of leaned in heavy to my close knit friends. I really got myself involved in my business. You know I had a support team and so I'm also a yoga teacher and so I had make sure that I was doing my things for self care, because it's so easy to feel like I'm in this all by myself, nobody understands what I'm going through or I'm weird, and it can really become a self destructive time, and so I was just very much able to try to walk that walk between having those feelings of what my children needed but also being aware of what I needed at the time.

Bobbi: 7:19

So your youngest walks out the door and you're waving him off. Now you might have been waving him off at college, but, just to set a scene, you are waving your youngest child off. How was that first week, and what hit you emotionally?

Val: 7:33

Gosh, okay, so it's been three years since my youngest left, and so when he left, I remember having him here and we were packing up his, his truck and getting all the stuff in, and so you have that right, the actual physical part about getting him there, and I remember just getting him there and finally get settled and then driving off, that's when it hits you. It's not during the preparation, because, honestly, my youngest he's fantastic, wonderful young man, but he was a very curious soul and so it was hard to pair it up sometime, and anybody that has a curious child might can definitely understand that. And so I really thought that I was ready. You know, I was like I've got him. He's 18, you know, my first one, my second one, they're both doing fantastic, and so I just thought that I was ready. And so when I got home and really like looked around and I've got this dog, thank goodness, and he's been my BFF and he and I just looked at each other on the couch and we're like, okay, now what? Because they were very active in school, right, they, we had all the stuff. And so literally it's taking me three years after my youngest to really figure out what my schedule needs to be. You know what time do I wake? What time there's no ball games, there's no school activities to plan around. It's all my time.

Bobbi: 9:10

Yeah, it can be really confronting and, interestingly enough, today on the Inspired Emptinessed Mums Group feed we've been chatting about, a couple of people have mentioned that the biggest surprise for them since becoming an Empty Nesta was dealing with the silence. Did you experience that and what did you do to cope with that? You know?

Val: 9:32

I was always used to having a group of children over. Like I said, I'm from a small town in Alabama and so the kids kind of run in a pack and they'll come here and they eat and then they go somewhere else, and so that was definitely. I didn't realize what an adrenal junkie that I was, but I loved the excitement from going to ball games to, you know, school activities to being needed, right, the need to be needed. So there were a lot of tears shed over quietness and I always cracked myself up because it's something I practice all the time with yoga and being mindful and everything, and I just I'm a firm believer that you can use anything to numb out, whether that's alcohol or sugar, also yoga, because you've got to. You can't just say, oh, these emotions aren't valid, I shouldn't feel this way. You got to sit with them and you got to practice before you get to move on, otherwise you just keep carrying them with you.

Bobbi: 10:43

Yes, now, apart from kind of being twins today with our look, I love the things in my glasses.

Val: 10:52

There you go, I love the red.

Bobbi: 10:54

We also noticed when we jumped on the call that we've got the same sort of energy about us. And the third thing was the importance of acknowledging our emotions, and I'm so glad you're saying this. This is part one of the post-anest plan. There is no point moving on in this phase if you do not accept process, learn from and then release those emotions that come with this stage. And that's just not a practice for empty nesting. It can be for any life altering challenge that you have where you are finding it a little bit difficult to move through. Now you did say you're an adrenal junkie, so okay. So tell me, your kids were gone, the extracurricular activities were gone, they no longer existed, where you had the role of cheerleader and taxi driver and drinks and food caterer. So once they're out of the house, what do you do, or what did you choose to do to fill that need of excitement and spontaneity in your life?

Val: 12:04

Well, I actually started dating again. So I had, at that point, I'd been divorced for about three years and I hopped on an online dating service, which I would recommend. You know there's pros and cons to everything, but at the time of my life, I needed something to be different, and it was totally different than anything you know to get back into the dating world after you've been married. You know, there, of course, there's a lot of unwinding of that emotions and those kind of things anyway, and so I felt like I was ready, so I did that. And, of course, spending time building my businesses. So those are my two things, and I again have been very blessed. I have a core group of friends that are there, and so that was always good. I felt like I was the first one that really had to deal with the empty nesting, and so it was a lot of, I guess what would be the word just allowing my emotions to be what they were and without and for me that's very uncomfortable. I don't know. Are you familiar with the Enneagram? No, tell me about that, the Enneagram is awesome. So it's a personality test and there's nine different personalities and they just do a fantastic job. I'll send you the link and so it's just a way to another labeling right, but being able to take a step back, and so I'm the two, I'm the helper, I'm the giver, and so that is my comfort zone and I'd like to people please, and I have done that for so many years and we could go into how that started, but we don't have enough time, and so it was very interesting to me how I was supposed to feel my feelings. But you don't want other people to feel your feelings, and so feeling and having that space between you know, I'm allowed to feel sad, but you know you don't have to feel sad with me, but you can have empathy, and so teaching myself all about those kind of things, it was fascinating.

Bobbi: 14:26

So a thing that comes up for empty nest mums is the disconnection from their friendship group, and you said you were the first out of your group to be an empty nester. And sometimes this alienates a woman because her friends and her support group are still doing the in-person parenting thing. Who did you have to be to allow yourself to still have that close connection and not feel like you were vastly different from your friends?

Val: 15:00

Oh gosh, you know that's a fantastic question, but and I'm sure you experienced it losing your mother at such a young age was 16. You have a different experience than a typical 16 year old, and I felt the same way and this was something that I didn't acknowledge in my 30s. But when you've lost both of your parents, and even you've gone through a divorce and you're a different person, you know those, the normalcy that what used to be there for yourself is no longer there. And so I find myself and this is the great thing about coaching is I'm not the only one right, you, you, there's so many of us that are just trying to fit into our old self, and it's uncomfortable, and I always equate it back to a butterfly, you know, coming out in that, that painful growing stage, because, no matter, no matter what, you're not going to go back to that person you are, and that's either when you've lost somebody that you truly love so much, or when you've gone through a divorce, or when your kids have left. There's no going back. And so being able to give yourself time to grieve, and where your friends may not understand exactly where you're coming from, that's okay. They can still have empathy. But to have groups like you started, that is where the magic happens. Right Is being able to have somebody that says I see you, you know, I see you just as you are, and you're okay to cry and and just sit with those emotions and I'll be here if you need me.

Bobbi: 16:46

I totally agree. I think it's connection, belonging and purpose, which are three real desires in this phase of life. So you've become an empty nester. Talk to me about your plans for the future at that stage when you're a new empty nester this is three years ago Tell me how a little spark grew into the fire of joy that radiates from you in front of me right now, because you look pretty happy, pretty energised and just content. So tell us all about the evolution of you as an empty nester.

Val: 17:31

Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you for saying that. You know, some days I feel like it's two steps forward and one step back, and and that's what I've had to learn to be okay with, because I know that you're well aware of this we all think that growth is supposed to be, oh, this uphill, and oh, once we get to the top, then we're cured or we're happy, or, and that's just not the way it is. We have these days that are going really good, and then we have drop off days, and for me, it's giving myself the compassion to know it's okay to be in a bad mood, it's okay to think the whole world is against you or whatever, and to be able to go. Tomorrow is going to be a new day, and so those times, for me it's. It starts with gratitude, and so I'm a firm believer in beginning your day with gratitude. And there have been some days where I laugh when I tell my yoga classes, when all you can think about is your pinky toe Yay, I am glad I have a pinky toe or I'm glad I have a hair on my head and you're searching for something to be grateful for, and that's okay because you're searching right and to do that and then, of course, breath work. That's the biggest thing because you know, you know when we have those sad feelings or, you know, anger, the breath stays right here and very short. But when we sit in it and be able to deepen your breath and be able to find it, it's just an energy shift throughout your whole body and just to get moving, that's how we keep going.

Bobbi: 19:15

Is yoga something that you had practiced previously, or was this something totally new for you?

Val: 19:20

Yeah, so I have been teaching yoga for about six years seven years now maybe and so I had a practice and then the divorce happened, and then COVID happened on top of that, and then you know all it was a big swirly mess. So this kind of sounds bad, but when the whole world was being sad because of COVID, I was like, okay, gives me a chance to catch up here, isn't that terrible? But you feel so like the whole world is happy and you're sitting here in your muddled mess and so, yeah, yoga is definitely one of those easy first steps that I tell people when they're they're looking for growth is if I can get you to breathe for three times. You know, just have those check-ins three times a day, let's see what you're feeling and then add on to that.

Bobbi: 20:22

So a woman can be an absolute beginner, have quite stiff muscles not be entirely and I'm speaking about myself here, but don't know how I've labelled myself a woman so I could come along to your class not very fit at this stage, very kind of tight muscles that I don't stretch enough, and I'm absolutely uncoordinated. So I could be doing a pose and either fart, wet my pants or fall over. So I could be someone who's accepted into a beginner's yoga class even though I bring some weight.

Val: 21:00

Yes, and so I tell people this all the time. And so it's so important that you know, because people are very reluctant to start yoga because it's weird and people are talking about breath, work and energy and stretching, and so you have to go in there with a beginner's mindset and say you know what, I'm going to be awkward and I'm going to be okay. And for the people that contact me about yoga, I often encourage them to reach out. Let's do some private yoga sessions, just one on one, so I can give you a little bit of terminology, and I'll do those on Zoom or face to face, and just to give a little bit of confidence, to get them ready. And then, once they have that, they can decide right. And there's a ton of yoga teachers and you know I am not the best yoga teacher, I would not even pretend to be but I want everybody to experience different yoga teachers until they find that person that they connect most with. So my yoga classes are more geared for those middle-aged women that are looking to start moving again, they are looking to lower their blood pressure. They're looking, they're searching, right you made a really good point about.

Bobbi: 22:18

You just want those people who feel comfortable with you that see you as the right fit for them. And that's a really good point to bring up, because when we start on something new as an empty nester, not everything is going to be a shoe that fits. We are going to vibe with another person or situation that aligns with our own energetic frequency. So if you do turn up to something and you think, oh, it just must be me, this is something that's happening to me a lot, I'll just go home and I'll never try again. Just know that you will find your match. Yeah, as I've said before, if we were an energetic match with everyone else on the planet and we were friends and connected to everyone else on the planet, can you imagine our inboxes? With 7 billion people on the planet, our phones would be going constantly. Our inboxes would be way too full. We wouldn't be able to manage these connections. And there's a very real reason why we are drawn to those who are an energetic vibrational match. We will have something to teach them and they will have something to teach us. So together you are this wonderful union. So I encourage anyone who is thinking about getting out there. Do not give up just because one time it doesn't feel right. Keep going, keep learning more about yourself, about who you are, and go in the trajectory of where your heart takes you, until your heart is smiling and your soul is singing.

Val: 23:55

Yes, that's such a good point and this is what makes technology so great. So here we are, connecting a million miles away, and we do. We have this energetic it's like you make my heart smile, and so it's about being vulnerable and really being able to just find groups that are able to support you and find those people that make you a little bit more curious. And I just think, during empty nesting times, which is around 40s and 50s, when the hormones start shifting, it is so easy to feel discouraged. It is so easy to keep having those ruminating thoughts of I don't feel like it and I'm not going to do anything and I have nothing to bring to the table because I can't even make lunch for myself because I'm so tired, and that's okay. And you will find groups that accept that and go, been right where you are and you are going to be okay and just keep with it.

Bobbi: 25:03

So what's in the future for you, Val? From here on in, where are you heading?

Val: 25:09

Oh, wow, what a great question. So I'm actually going to Barcelona in October, yeah, so I'm super excited. So I've got some travels. We're starting to look at 2024 to see what that looks like. But for me, what I'm most excited about is I am working on an eight week course dedicated for menopausal women, and I'm super excited about that just because it's such an act of love and I know that you can definitely relate to that with all your love projects and it takes so long to put what's in your head on paper so people can understand. And my passion is just to be able to help women through those uncomfortable transitions of middle age, just to know, hey, you are not alone, and I think that's just a powerful message that I want everybody to know yeah.

Bobbi: 26:12

I'm totally vibing with you there. Can I just say before we go, your accent is my favorite United States accent. What accent? Right, that's what people say to me. We're in Ohio and I'll get a lot. Oh, you have an accent. My daughter and I house sat for a family in Fairhope, alabama, for a month three years ago and we got to spend a lot of time down there. I absolutely love Alabama and Mobile Play and then heading down to Florida. So you live in a beautiful part of the world and who you are matches your accent, because I always think people with your accent are just the friendliest souls on the earth.

Val: 26:59

Well, thank you, and I love your accent as well, but yeah, I am a little partial to this place. We are about two hours from the beach and, yeah, we're about three hours from Fairhope, so that's a beautiful place, and I've just. This is around hurricane season, so we have to start watching the weather a little bit more closely than normal.

Bobbi: 27:19

Well, you stay safe. And I'll ask you one last question. If you had one sentence of advice to give to another empty nest mum, what might that be?

Val: 27:32

Gratitude. Stay in that moment of gratitude, that place of grateful for what was and what is and what will be, and just stay there just every time and just come back to it.

Bobbi: 27:49

Yeah, I've always thought gratitude brings more to be grateful for. So, val, thank you so much. And to all our listeners, thank you so much for joining us today and we will see you next time on Fly, mum Fly.

Val: 28:02

Thank you, it was so fun. We'll do this again.