28 Years to Life: Finding Wholeness Through Forgiveness with Colleen Elaine

Bobbi: 0:30

Hello everyone and a warm welcome to the Fly Mom Fly podcast. Now I'm doing something a little bit different today. Usually, I get the information from my upcoming guest and I will write an introduction which, as you've seen before or heard before, I will read out on there to welcome our special guest. But you know what, today I did not want to do that because I last night finished reading this very special book and today we have the author on, Colleen Elaine, and I really didn't want to have a pre-recording conversation with Colleen. I didn't really want to write a script, I just wanted a really authentic, free-flowing conversation. So, colleen, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much.

Colleen: 1:26

Bobbi, I am blessed and pleased to be here.

Bobbi: 1:30

Yeah, it's so great because I feel you have been so gracious in allowing your readers into your personal life. And I started reading your book and I didn't want to stop and I wanted to know more and I wanted to know more and I wanted to know more. So, for our listeners, if you can just share a little about your book, the title and how you came up with the title for this wonderful memoir that I've just completed, yes, absolutely.

Colleen: 2:05

So I began writing my book. Gosh, it was I can't even think of what year, I think it was 2012. I had won a scholarship to a writing program, and so I at that point I thought, okay, I want to write a memoir, I want to write my story, just because I had so much bottled up inside of me. And during that time, my son had been going through a drug addiction. And through the process of my writing, I realized that I had been holding a secret, and this secret had been hidden inside of me for nearly re-decade. So that's where I came up with the title of my book. I titled my book 28 Years to Life Finding Holiness through Perguveness, and it was through the process of going through everything my son was going through that I actually found this hidden secret within me, and it had to be exposed.

Bobbi: 3:03

So for the listeners, colleen's book really is a deep dive into her own inner self and, having been a coach for women in transition for 15 years, I so resonated with everything you were saying, particularly that you focus so much on cause and effect, and I'm wondering if you can please share with the listeners what that means for you and how that's impacted your life.

Colleen: 3:35

Yes. So the reason I focus so much on cause and effect is because I found myself in a situation where I asked myself the question how did we get here? And I think that at some point in everyone's life they ask themselves that question, and so you have to kind of do like an archeological dig and moving backwards as to okay, well, what are the thoughts I've been thinking, what are the actions I've been taking, what are all the things that led me up to this point? So I think that that's what brought me to cause and effect, because I knew I had read books in the past. I'm a personal development junkie, so I read a lot of books and tried to better myself, and in almost everything I read there was this pattern of well, something happened in order for this to happen. So there is that cause and effect in everything we do, and so that was just kind of at the forefront of my mind. So I knew I had to start there.

Bobbi: 4:33

So has authenticity always been important to you, even if you weren't necessarily showing your authentic self to the world.

Colleen: 4:44

For a time yes, absolutely it was, and I can remember having like honesty and authenticity as one of my top values, but I knew deep down that I wasn't practicing it myself. I expected it from other people, but yet I wasn't able to practice that myself, and so that was very difficult for me in trying to find that authenticity within me, because I had been conditioned my whole life to be somebody that wasn't really me. But it took so many years of my life to realize that I was living out the expectations of what other people wanted for me rather than living by my own inner authenticity.

Bobbi: 5:29

I think the beauty of your book for me anyway is that you allow the reader to witness your transformation and if anyone wants to read anything about someone moving into their authentic self and being so vulnerable and so honest and open in a memoir, this is the book. You know. I received it. So you very kindly sent me the book and I opened it up from the mailbox and I was reading the back. There's no such thing. Sorry, as a coincidence, like I really think everything is a Godwink. You know, it's like there we go. And I have a friend who has been facing some challenges and I read the synopsis on the back and I thought, oh, my goodness, this is my friend. And I spoke to her soon after and I showed her the book and she goes wow. And yesterday I went over there and I said there we go. I finished it and now it's all a big doggie now, and I was rough with it only because I was in bed and I was twisting it around because I needed to be in my comfy space and it's a bit worn and tattered, but in the best possible way. So what was your desire for those who were going to read it? When they read it? Did you have an idea or have you been surprised with the responses?

Colleen: 7:07

from other people. I have been a little bit surprised, although I did have an intention. My intention was to help one person feel heard, feel supported and feel like they were not alone. And by far I've gotten so much more out of my book because I've had people tell me that it's given them permission to have a different outlook on life and I've heard from so many people that it's so relatable that they felt those same things but were unable to express them in their own lives or share. And vulnerability has always been so difficult for me. But there came a point where I realized that not asking for help and not being vulnerable, I was never going to heal. And I like reading stories where I can relate to the person and I get so much out of hearing other people's transformation stories so I knew I had to put my own out there.

Bobbi: 8:03

I just love it. I was reading your book and becoming so invested and connected to what was going on. You had one hardship after the other, one life lesson after the other, and I felt as a reader, that I was right there with you and almost saying to myself oh no, not again, oh no, oh, colleen, no, no. And then Colleen divides the book into her experience and then what she wished she would have known, which she can definitely apply now to her life because she knows what she knows. So she does what based on what she knows. So I think we always cope with life in the best possible way with the tools, knowledge and resources that we have. So once upon a time you didn't know, but now you do and you share that with the reader. Can you just share maybe one example of what went on in your life? Actually, can we focus on the horrible experience with your neighbor? I was so surprised at your dignity I think it's the dignity going through all of this, this dignity and strength. That's what I got from it, even though you fully hadn't come to understand the whys of what were happening in your life, you stepped up, you kept going. There was a resilience, there was a strength, there was a determination. Are you able to share that story without listeners, about what happened with your neighbor?

Colleen: 9:41

Yes, absolutely so. My boys were young at the time I want to say they were six and two and so we had been friends with this particular neighbor and we lived on a cul-de-sac, so it's a circle, and we lived on the far end, so I had to pass his house anytime I left. But we were friends with this neighbor and he would bring over a newspaper and leave it on our porch. We might take brownies over there. And this particular day I was in my living room and I could see the entire cul-de-sac from my living room window and I witnessed him walking very quickly across the cul-de-sac into my other neighbor's driveway and he just started punching the other neighbor in the face and I ran outside, my kids followed me outside and the man was just beating him senselessly. I mean his head was bouncing off the concrete. It was the most heinous experience I had ever seen in my life and I yelled to my oldest son to run in and call 911. So he kind of stopped there for a second. He wasn't sure what to do and he did go in and call 911 and I'm yelling at my neighbor to stop punching the other neighbor and then my husband had come out and said that 911 was called and that the police were coming, and eventually the neighbor walked away. We found out later that he had had brass knuckles inside of a glove and had been standing on the corner punching his fist waiting for this neighbor to come home. Well, we didn't find out until later that this whole incident started because the neighbor that beat the other neighbor thought that his cat had gotten into his girlfriend's car and urinated in the car, which was you know. It was just beyond me how something so insignificant could cause such a beating. In fact this our neighbor was put in critical condition. The beating was so bad and of course, you know, I had to become a witness for the state because I saw what had happened. And that started a whole nother array of terrifying experiences, where that neighbor was, you know, harassing me on a daily basis.

Bobbi: 11:58

That is just incredible. I do know that you moved again, so you're nowhere near that area. Yeah, so this is just one example of, and this was ongoing for you. This didn't just happen over the span of seven days. I can't imagine how stressed and frightened you would have felt. However, you still managed to carry on with day to day life and the kids and the demands of being a mom.

Colleen: 12:26

Yeah, I had to be strong for my kids and I think the straw that broke the camel's back was that guy had threatened to shoot my family. He threatened to shoot me and my kids and my husband, and at this time my husband was traveling for work and was at home at certain times. It was at that point where I just decided, you know what, I am not going to deal with this anymore. And that's when I called his probation officer and I put an end to it. But you know, they did arrest him, but the day I went to court to testify, they didn't even ask me to testify and they released him, which just again just blew my mind. That you know, here we go again. Now I have now I'm living two doors down from this guy and he's really angry at this point because I put him in jail that just would have been so frightening.

Bobbi: 13:16

I'm so glad that is done and dusted for you.

Colleen: 13:20

Yes, me too. But you know, and what I didn't realize at the time was that my kids would have lasting effects from that, which didn't occur to me at that time.

Bobbi: 13:29

Yes, you said Christopher, in particular, especially when Ryan had his challenges was affected by this neighbor incident, especially around law enforcement. Yes, yeah, yeah, so that must have been so challenging. Can we go back to your childhood and I would love for you to share with listeners about who you chose to be and what you chose to do because of what you believed at the time.

Colleen: 14:03

Yeah, so I became a people pleaser. Is that what you're referring to?

Bobbi: 14:10

It is because I know, and you probably know, other women and you know what it's actually me, that I will go into another aspect of this and what you have taught me in the last few days of reading this book. But it's me, colleen, and your book allowed me to realize what I had been doing. So if we can share your early thoughts on this, that would be fantastic.

Colleen: 14:35

Okay, yes. So I ended up becoming a people pleaser for most of my life because, you know, my father was an alcoholic so he was constantly yelling at me. You know I couldn't ever do anything right. So I was trying my best and what I had discovered as a very young child was that if I was quiet and if I did as I was told and if I went out of my way to do nice things for other people, that I got you know, recognition and I got admiration and I in turn thought that I was receiving love. So I became, that went, essential people pleaser and I did everything that everyone else expected me to do. I left, you know, anything that I desired I put to you know, to the side and I only did what other people needed me to do. You know I was helpful. I was. I studied a lot so that I would know a lot and just help out in any way I could to anyone I could. And there comes a point where you get burned out doing that and you get very resentful.

Bobbi: 15:41

You do. I think that's actually a trait. How did it affect you physically? Do you think? Did you have any physical repercussions from being a people pleaser?

Colleen: 15:51

Yes, I did. I had several, in fact, I had two hernias back to back. I had hernia surgery and it was in green all hernia, so it was down in the groin area and that was. I believe that was from. You know, just having so much anger and rage inside of me, and this is something I don't even think I shared in the book. I can remember this one time where I was screaming at someone in my car because I was just so enraged at something they had done and I felt I actually felt the hernia pop out at that moment, and so I knew you know that I had that, but it wasn't until years later that I actually had the hernia pop up again and I did have surgery for it, but within six months I had torn the mesh and had to go have surgery again. And then the other two things that happened were, as women and as people pleasers, we feel the weight on our shoulders. So in 2013, I experienced torn rotator cuff and also frozen shoulder in my right shoulder, and then, six years later, I experienced the very same thing in my left shoulder. So I had that, yeah, the weight of the world on my shoulders. And you know, I actually had three tears in my left shoulder at that time and I had gone to see the chiropractor and he asked me well, how did you do this? And I'm like I have no idea. And he said now that he said most people know exactly how something happens, especially something so severe with three tears I could not even remember what had happened. I think I was so out of touch with my body because I had been letting from my head almost my entire life that I couldn't feel things happening in my body until it got so bad that it was debilitating.

Bobbi: 17:41

You reference Louise Hayes. You can heal your life a lot in your book and I met her once. Actually I was pregnant in Sydney at an event Now this was just before my eldest Emily was born, so it was 24 years ago and I remember we I had to line up at the stage and she was going to answer questions and I said, louise, what's an affirmation I can use in childbirth? And I can't even remember what she said now, but she did give me an affirmation to use, that she was a lovely, lovely lady and Louise is probably one of the first self-help authors I got into. I would love to know. So you reference physical pain. Sorry, I should say. You reference physical pain being an extension of an emotion and I fully believe that and I loved how you said oh, I'm feeling an ache or a pain here. I'm just going to go and look up you can heal your life and see what that relates to. I do this sort of thing all the time and my family laugh, for instance, if I have an animal that appears in my life a lot. I'm going to look up the symbolism. What's the message in this? But what I would love to know from being, I guess, a fan of Louise's work. How has your health now changed through the work that you've done?

Colleen: 19:05

Yes, well, I'm so excited that you met Louise Hay because I just absolutely love her. But, yes, so I looked up the meaning of the emotional component of those physical symptoms I was feeling, and so the hernia was broken relationships and the weight of the world on my shoulders. Again, that was the emotional component feeling that emotional weight on my shoulders. And so you know now I still use that book to this day, and when other people are telling me physical symptoms they have, I know exactly what's going on emotionally in their life. But I absolutely love to notice that. And I also do the animal thing too. I have a book on animal symbolism because I feel like there are so many things that can lead us to that internal discovery. There's so many tools out there that we can use and it's just so beneficial. And then to have the affirmations, and it's usually about, like the broken relationships I love and approve of myself and I'm safe.

Bobbi: 20:13

What have these affirmations done and not just saying them? Because, by the same token and I know you, coach, so you'll understand the process of it all it's one thing in saying it and in the postness plan I talk about the chinks in your chain, the butts that come after it, because it's those butts. It's like I could say I love and appreciate myself, but my mind is talking to me, saying but if only you lost 10 pounds, bobby. So we always have to go to those beliefs that are conscious or otherwise, that are just floating around. How have these affirmations helped you physically and with your own personal wellness?

Colleen: 21:00

Well, they have helped me tremendously, because what happened was, as I was doing these affirmations, when those things came up where I had the butts or where I wasn't believing what I was saying, I had to dig a little bit deeper and say, okay, why do I keep stopping myself with these butts? And that is what led me to hypnotherapy. I discovered that I could change my inner self-talk to not only believe the affirmations but to create new affirmations and to create a new, more helpful self-talk for myself. And so that's what I started doing was making recordings for myself so that I could get into that subconscious programming and change the way that I looked at myself and the way I felt about myself.

Bobbi: 21:49

That's a really good idea making your own recordings of your affirmation, because it's your voice, it's your energy. I think that's a fantastic idea. Forgiveness, obviously, is such a main theme in your book. Can you talk to us about that? And then I'd like to share the impact of what that has had on my life in the last week, since I started reading the book.

Colleen: 22:16

Yes. So forgiveness for me started off to be something that I really disliked, and I will say the reason for that was because my father would yell and scream and cuss at me, and then I would go to my room, stomp off, stomp my feet and slam my door and 10 seconds later there's my dad knocking on my door I'm so sorry, please forgive me. And it got to the point where I wasn't even allowed to be angry. I had to forgive my dad right there, 10 seconds after. No matter what he did, I had to forgive him, and so I looked at forgiveness as something that was hurtful to me. I had to give it to the other person, but I had to continue to suffer, and so it wasn't until I went through all of this process of learning about that secret belief that I had within me that I learned that it was myself that I had to forgive, and once I was able to forgive myself, I completely understood that you're never forgiving another person. You're always forgiving the way you look at something, the way you feel about something, and forgiveness is the gift that you give yourself. It's not something that you give to the other person, and you're not letting somebody else off the hook. It's all about loving yourself.

Bobbi: 23:38

Yep, spot on. You've hit the nail on the head and for me, I've come to learn a few things. It is a release and you can't force it. So they're the two things that I have come to realize over the last week. So, personally, I've had a bit of a challenging situation that coincided with reading your book and at first I was really angry at this person. Then I knew that I wanted to grow from the situation, but I didn't know how. I just set the intention and I often think just by setting the intention you'll have universal guidance and God spirit on your side, who will bring the help to you, even if you're not consciously aware of it or not. And I've come to a space in the last seven days where I morphed into and I don't even know how, but it's them upstairs, I don't really know and it's by setting that intention. So I did some of it, but they did the rest. I realized just the morning that I was so happy and grateful for all the life lessons and the understanding about myself that this person brought into my life. So I realized by coming from that space of really just it's probably the space of my highest self I'm getting away from the human ego and I'm viewing life as a production from that sole perspective, just looking down and saying, hang on, this person isn't a bad person. This person was an integral part of your growth, understanding and learning and they're just playing their part. And, mind you, bobby, you've probably arranged that prior to coming here, that this will be one of your lessons. And I had never with this connection. As it went along, I never realized that it was a familiar pattern. That had been a major part of my life, the people please across. Until just a couple of weeks ago, I thought, oh wow, that is so surprising, because I had thought I was really on top of this situation and this people-pleasing situation and I realized from this experience nah, you've got a bit more to do. And I often think, when we know that we want to come from a certain place in life and conquer a certain challenge, that the universe is going to provide us with practical lessons. It's just like school we might do a theory exam, but then life will say, okay, you think you're all that, here's your practical exam now. And we often go, oh no, what's happening again? And really it is just a matter of lesson lesson. So I'm really I'm grateful to this person now and I have released myself from them. But I'm so grateful and my heart's full of love because there were some good times as well. But there was so much learning, especially from this last experience, and I'm really honored that that played out with this person in my life. So that's been my forgiveness stories in the last week and I don't think it would have gone this way if I wasn't reading your book and going through this at the same time. I think they were presented to me to walk hand in hand with each other.

Colleen: 27:29

That's a beautiful story and I love that. You have that self-awareness and that's you know. In essence, that's what all these life lessons are for. You know, people hold up that mirror in front of us to let us see a part of ourselves that we're not aware of. So, and every time that lesson is presented and it could be presented by the same person or someone else, and, like you said, even though you think you've learned the lesson, you will have another opportunity to show that you know. Yes, you have Exactly.

Bobbi: 28:00

Now the book. I was reading it and all I could think of was Hillbilly Elegy. This story, I think, is a Ron Howard movie.

Colleen: 28:15

I absolutely would love that. I think it's a movie too. I think it would be. Yes, I would love the opportunity to you know present it.

Bobbi: 28:26

Yeah, I, from reading your story and now I've got goosebumps. Why do they always happen? So, from reading your story and being so drawn in by your experiences, it's a tale that needs to be out there on a lot of different platforms. You're so relatable, you're so real life, the honesty is so appreciated. I think is the word that I really see your story being told. I'm not a psychic, by the way. I just really feel that it should, because, especially for women or anyone else going through this, because the world is full of people pleases. So let's tag Ron Howard on the episode description.

Colleen: 29:15

I love that and thank you. I appreciate your comments so much because you know and just opening your heart and letting me know what you felt about everything. Because, yeah, I do agree. I think that the world is full of people pleasers and I also believe that the world is full of people that are turning to drugs and they need to know that you know you can escape that system.

Bobbi: 29:39

Yeah, and how are the kids doing today? Now, I just want to mention when you had your surprise baby, oh my goodness. So how many years are there between Ryan and Annika?

Colleen: 29:50

There are I believe it's 16, 16 years between them and 20 years between her and Christopher.

Bobbi: 29:59

So you were 38, were you 38?

Colleen: 30:01

I think I was calculating yes, 38, almost 39. Right.

Bobbi: 30:07

So, ladies and gents, colleen was nearly 39 and with a 16 year age gap, so she did it again, but Annika sounds like the most wonderful blessing in your lives.

Colleen: 30:20

She is. She is truly a light in my life, and she will be 18 in about six months. She's planning to move out a couple of months after she turns 18. So then of course, I'm going to be that empty nester. So that's why your book is so important to me and I'm looking forward to that journey, and I feel like I've done so much work on myself and around self-awareness and everything that I feel like I'm pretty well equipped, but not quite so my last question to you was going to be what's next for the book?

Bobbi: 30:57

Are you going to write again? Are you going to get out and speak? What's happening in your world.

Colleen: 31:03

Yes, I actually want to do both. I have spoken at a couple of local places, but I would definitely like to speak on some bigger stages about the book and, yes, I definitely intend to write many more books. I have I probably have another 10, you know spinning around in my mind right now.

Bobbi: 31:20

Well, you write beautifully you really do and I know that you're soon to be empty nest mum, so I'd love to invite you to the Inspired Empty Nest Mums Facebook group, because I think it's a good platform for you to share your book as well. I think it's really important. I already talked about it this morning, saying how excited I am to meet you, but I would really love you to be a part of that, because you have so much wisdom to share. Colleen, thank you so much for joining me today. I'll get in touch with my mate, ron Richie Cunningham, and I'll see what we can work out. I'll have his people call my people and I don't have people, so it's one of my three dogs or something that can pretend to be my assistant yeah, or you can pretend to be your own assistant. Oh, my goodness. Well, thank you so much and I will post all the links to your book and any other links that you want to share, and all your social information in the podcast description episode. But again, thank you so much for joining us today. I think your wisdom, your book, just who you are, and this whole story about how you went from people pleaser to an empowered, knowledgeable woman will really resonate with so many of us. So thank you so much.

Colleen: 32:40

Well, thank you so much, Barbie, for having me. I have thoroughly enjoyed our time together.

Bobbi: 32:45

No problem at all and everyone who has listened. Thank you so much and we will see you next time on Fly, Mum Fly.