From Pediatric Anesthesiologist to Empowering Empty Nester: Bistra's Story

Bobbi: 0:00

Hi everyone and welcome to today's episode of Fly Mum Fly. We have a special guest who has fearlessly tackled the challenges of life after children leave the house, Initially concerned about the impact on her relationship with her husband and the void it might create, they found that by immersing themselves in work and planning trips and cultural events, their bond naturally grew stronger, bringing contentment to their lives. Driven by her desire to find a greater purpose, Bistra pursued life coaching, a decision that proved to be transformative. Her natural inclination to give and her joy in witnessing her client's successes made coaching perfect for her. Now, as an empowerment coach, she specializes in helping busy professionals achieve emotional freedom, overcome limiting beliefs and turn their dreams into reality. That sounds pretty good, Hi Bistra. Thank you so much for jumping on today. Hi Bob, It's so good to meet you. Oh, thank you. It's just a pleasure to have you here Before me, listeners, I have the most extraordinarily beautiful woman who hails from Bulgaria and just mentioned off air that, Bistra, you have now been in the United States for 20 years Over 20 years, actually, Over 20 years. Did you have your children in this country?

Bistra: 1:22

No, so I came to America in 93. At that time my older son was 18 months old, right, but Alexander. So my kids have quite large age gap. They have 11 years difference. Alexander, the younger one, was born in the States, so right now I have 31 year old and 20. Tomorrow he'll be 20 years old.

Bobbi: 1:51

Happy birthday.

Bistra: 1:52

Thank you, thank you And yes, so the reason it ended like that is we came to the States, me and my husband. We're both physicians So it has been very challenging journey, like doing our residency and fellowship trainings here, working without any family support, so it has been just a bonus. Raising the kids So yeah, that takes a special kind of couple, I think.

Bobbi: 2:22

So your husband is Bulgarian as well. Yes, he's.

Bistra: 2:24

Bulgarian as well. He's a physiologist also, which he works in one of those dots He just shows here in Boston.

Bobbi: 2:31

Oh, you're in Boston. Oh, my goodness. I just just to go into travel for a minute. New England is one of my favorite parts of this country And I was in Boston on a road trip last year And I love it so much. Do you enjoy living in Boston?

Bistra: 2:47

Yes, We, when we came first to the States, we lived in Pennsylvania. In little we started new town called Lancaster.

Bobbi: 2:56

That's where my sister-in-law lives.

Bistra: 2:58

Oh my God, it's such a small world, isn't it?

Bobbi: 3:01

It's such a small world.

Bistra: 3:02

yes, And then my husband did his anesthesia training in Hershey, pennsylvania, the chocolate town of USA. So we lived there for three years every morning smell-flake chocolate And only on Wednesday they were. they were roasting the the peanuts, the peanuts for the rice, and it was. yeah, it was interesting experience for me, coming from a big city back in Bulgaria, because it was perfect for raising our older side.

Bobbi: 3:34

Yes, i, i've been to Hershey, we went there and it's a. It's a lovely little town, obviously full of a lot of history, and you have the factory there. So you're now in Boston And I know that you're a pediatrician. Well, you're an anesthesiologist. So I would love to know what hospital are you working in? because my husband is American, although he lived in Australia for 20 years. That's where I met him, but their eldest daughter is a hemophiliac and they spent a lot of time Is there, boston Children's Hospital.

Bistra: 4:11

Boston Children's. That's where I work. Yes.

Bobbi: 4:14

Okay, this is weird. Now I've got goosebumps because you were in Lancaster where my sister in law lives. You work now at Boston Children's where my husband took his eldest daughter. Now she's now 31. So that was a long time ago, but they did live in Boston and you know it's funny And I think that you'll appreciate this. He said you know how we always talk about what would you do if you won the lottery and you won millions of dollars. He always says I would give a big chuck to Boston Children's because of the help they gave us with my eldest daughter.

Bistra: 4:52

Well, i believe that you know we, of course, as one of the best, would like to think we are one of the best hospitals in the world. We do get a lot of referrals, and I would like to say that we have groundbreaking research going on at show For sure. So I'm very proud to be working there. I love my patients at their bridge. They're very significant part of my identity.

Bobbi: 5:13

I really love that. So when we were off air, we were talking about how I'm from Australia and you're from Bulgaria, and obviously when you are an immigrant in the US, there are certain cultural differences, and I would like to touch on that briefly if we can today. It's something that really interests me, and also meeting someone who has had the same experience, because it can be a little different. You sometimes have to watch what you do and say because culturally here it's different. Do you have any stories to share or any insights as to what you experienced when you first moved to this country?

Bistra: 5:54

So when I came to the States, the bad situation. I did not speak a word English, so I only knew Kain Bay because back in Bulgaria, in high school, i was German, in German high school I was a German and I learned German. So one of my first experiences that was not a good experience in America was I arrived with this 18 month old baby. We had four big suitcases and all over the world And I had two bananas in my back just for him during the trip, because it was a very long trip, coming from Sofia, bulgaria, the capital, to Boston. It was not actually not in Boston, but in New York. My husband picked me up from Kennedy for a 10-hour flight So for me to kind of keep him occupied, and I wasn't sure about what the food was. I had the bananas because she loved bananas. So I came to the States and so they, so I'm with the child and they made me unlock all my forced cases all by myself. Not a man helped me And then they found the bananas and the guy started yelling at me and I like I have no idea what he's talking about. So like coming back in Europe and in Bulgaria at that time we're talking 1993, i think the emancipation of women was not to that extent and women was still helped. The door would be held for you when it was part of our culture and nobody saw that as being offensive in any way, while here women were so much more advanced in their rights and they did not want to be treated as second class persons. So this was one of my first things, like okay, so I guess it's a little different. And over the years he just like he has just been really alert how you're saying things not to offend anybody, because and being a foreigner in the language not being my primary language sometimes words slip and it's not like you're mean, there just happens, and I catch myself many times kind of explaining myself, the kind of really going out of my way to clarify that what I'm saying. It's not if it sounds in any way harsh or impolite, that's not how I mean it at all And I think over the years you kind of get used to it.

Bobbi: 8:31

Yeah, do you think people have been quite understanding of the cultural differences? I'm guessing and assuming that maybe on the East Coast they might be more understanding and more flexible than perhaps somewhere like where I am in the Midwest.

Bistra: 8:52

Okay, I'll be shaping to hear what's your experience in the Midwest. For me personally, when we moved to Lancaster and Hershey Pennsylvania, i don't think people And I'm not saying this in any negative way, but I think in 1993, that part of America foreigners were still not a common presence. So day, part of time, like understanding my accent I mean I'll never get over it, of course, by asking me multiple times to repeat myself, correcting me. So that was my experience in Hershey Pennsylvania. So it was kind of uncomfortable. But coming here in Boston, i think that's why we love Boston. Boston is so international. Like you can You walk on the streets and you, especially on holidays or when you go to some of the historic sites, there are people with accents and people speaking different languages. So I think that's why we stayed here. We feel very much at home.

Bobbi: 9:54

Yeah, i'm glad And I can say that I, when I was there last year, i felt that it was more of a multicultural city, obviously a lot busier than where we are. I think that your English is absolutely fantastic, but I can get that in the early 19th in Lancaster, pennsylvania, there might not have been a lot of Bulgarians walking around the street, and the fact that you came to a country and only knew high and bi And look where you are now, it's just incredible that you've transitioned from a European country to the United States doing the job that you do, which involves communicating. You have to be correct, i mean. You can't say one thing and mean another. As you know a physician, so I can only but commend you and your husband for the amazing jobs that you have done. In relation to cultural differences, i have found that here in the Midwest they may not speak as we might do in Australia, and when I say that I refer to They call it cuss words. Now in Australia we will throw in a word to color our language, and it's not meant as offensive, it's meant just as a part of how you are constructing your conversation and you throw it in for a bit of color and variety, and it's not necessarily offensive. At home, cussing, i believe yes, is offensive if there is an aggressive meaning behind it, but we tend to throw it in regardless. Now in the Midwest, i have found that it's not something that you can necessarily do And in the beginning I was a little bit surprised. It has gotten me into trouble a few times, but even when I've tried to explain our cultural differences, some will be open to understanding that we do things differently in Australia, and I've had another person who just shut me down completely and doesn't interact with me. So I guess it's up to the person. I mean, i'm responsible for the way I communicate And even though I communicate from the country that I was raised in, i also like to communicate. If there are challenges and difficulties and maybe a fence taken, i really like to explain it. But you can only do the best you can do in life And, honestly, if you aim to come from a place of love and respect, that's all you can do. We cannot control how other people deal with us or perceive us. We can only control how we choose to present ourselves to the world. I would love for reading your information. I would love to hear about your emptiness story and how that unfolded with the boys And particularly, i think one really interesting thing you brought up in the information that you sent me was that everything wasn't absolutely perfect with the way that you were interacting or communicating perhaps with your husband, but you took some certain steps to make sure that you, i guess, got to know each other again as an emptiness couple. So can you tell us about that phase of life and what you did?

Bistra: 13:32

I'll tell you where it all started from. So I live in this high-end suburb of Boston. That isn't where we chose it, because the public school system is very strong And when we came so we basically I didn't tell the story, but we stayed here in the States for 10 years. We had some visa requirements and also there was some family pressure for us to go back to Bulgaria, so we left. Alexander was just born he actually was three months old when we left but he had medical condition And we were very nervous of going back to Bulgaria where the healthcare was still not like that. So we ended up in Germany for two years. We lived in Germany for two years. She outgrew his problem. Then we moved to Bulgaria where our families were, but things did not go well. So, coming back here, our older son was just supposed to start high school And we are public school system people. We believe in that And that's what we have been trained, and so we decided to choose a suburb that has relatively good schools while he's adjusting. So it was about 14, four years pretty rough with him. He was not happy of the whole situation And what I saw in our son so many of his friends the family did break once. The last child was out of high school, which really made me worry. And I talk with some people and they, like the women, will always say, oh, we were together, just raised the kids at some point become obviously they're not gonna stay together. And I didn't want to be one of that family And I knew we'd been very busy building our careers but it was for me it become kind of obsession that I need to figure out a way not to go that back. So what? so I knew I had a few years, because Alexander is so much younger, but when he started getting into sixth, seventh grade, it just become even more about importance for me. So we just like talking with different people, figuring out ways. I knew that we both will fall, will get into our practices, more into our clinical work, and I didn't want to be somebody who the only thing I'll have in my life is going to be work, like the kids are out of the house. It's going to be work. So what I did? I got ourselves, like as a member, members of one of their big cultural events in Boston called Boston Speaker Series. So it's once a month event you go to that We plan with. Every three months we try to do like a minivacation somewhere and we have now good track record of just traveling. The two of us. We found some other like, like fun things, like we did paint night together. We've become very good friends with two of the families of Alexander's friends. So once a month we try to go and have dinner with friends. So just keep bringing stuff right. You need to be active. You cannot just rely on the fact that you've been married for 20 or wherever years and that things will just fly. Actually they don't, because many things change And sometimes we feel like we as mothers feel the become empty nesters and it's hard for us. But you know, surprisingly it's hard for the husbands also. We underestimate how hard. The presentation for them might be different, so they might become more close and they might pay more attention to their jobs, but they suffer a threat and it's a journey together. So that's what we did, for I kept pushing for us as a couple. I mean we never really. I think the fact that we came in this country is very young couple. I was 25 years old when we came. She was 28 years old And we built the family together without any help. So I think we were very we already been very strong family, but becoming empty nesters is definitely adds a little bit.

Bobbi: 18:02

I love listening to you and just you know you just said that word strong and that's what I was thinking about when listening to you, because it's such a difficult process to come to this country And I'm not sure if listeners fully understand. But it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, how much money you have or whatever, you still join a queue, You still join a line of people who want to immigrate to this country. So the bureaucracy and the paperwork can be unending. It feels like, And when we went through this process, Frank was already over here And Lucy and I. He's obviously American, So Lucy and I would come over for three months, go back to Sydney, wait, come over for three months and visit and go back. And at that time we were told by the, by the immigration department, that there were two and a half million people aiming to get into this country And we were just one of those or two of those people in that line. But I think the fact that you went through that you immigrated only at 25 and 28 to a new country You do a job that requires you both to be finding solutions all the time for something so important as a human life, to have a better life experience. It doesn't surprise me that you thought right, this is how I've seen other couples in my area. I will not go down that path. I don't want to be a part of the problem, So I'm going to be a part of the solution. And I love this about you, which also does feed into what you're doing now. So you're a pediatric anesthesiologist And if you can share with our listeners, you decided to have another job as well, If you'd like to share with us what you're doing and how that particular journey started.

Bistra: 20:23

Oh yeah, so what Bob is referring to, it's the life coaching business that they also care. So that was caused by COVID. Actually, i needed to find something for myself, and for a while I was very much into photography. I was taking courses. I enjoyed taking them because I needed something else for myself as a way to handle the emptiness. But then COVID happened And my father died unexpectedly. So there was a lot of emotional love that I needed to figure out, and I was already listening to the podcast of Brooke Astille, who is the director of the school that I finished. She's a well-known life coach. The name of the podcast, if people are interested, is the Life Coach School, and just listening to her I figured that I am this type of personality that I love talking with people. For me, what I get gratification and satisfaction from is giving to people and helping them. I mean, i'm a physician after all. It's imprinted in me, and so I underwent the certification almost two years ago and then I decided I'm gonna try to find a way to help more people. So I'm building my coaching business now It's heaven being the smoothest road just because my clinical work is quite demanding, but I also coach for a few organizations for free. As part of my just, i want to give and be of service And now I have few, few programs that I'm developing. I have my own clients, yeah, so it's going into. It's very fulfilling. It really makes a huge difference for people at the end of the day. How, how I feel.

Bobbi: 22:35

Yeah, tell me, how do you find the time? So, because if you're a physician, how, like when, do you find the time? That's incredible.

Bistra: 22:45

To be honest with you, i do coaching the after I come home from work And so far. So far the majority of my clients have been have been physicians. So kind of works out well because we all have long days and in the England people find the time to connect. Now, now, because I'm basically really the way I advertise myself, it's like empowerment coach for busy professionals, but mostly I have mostly women as clients. But lately my goal is basically by helping people overcome their excuses, because I don't know if you will coach as well and you know we always find an excuse why not to do something or why not to go after our ball. So as part of that whole journey, i'm working mostly with them to identify what are the obstacles and try to overcome them, and it has been very, very good. I also, since I'm a general life coach, i also coach on relationships, like a few different problems. But yeah, mostly at the moment I'm doing one to one coaching. And another highlight because I'm such a believe believer in coaching, in the power of coaching and I think of making people's lives better and more fulfilling. I'm working with the leadership of the hospital to offer to build this coaching program and opportunity for people as internal coaches. People want to find somebody to talk to, to be coach. I'm trying to establish that as opportunity, because physicians everywhere and not just physicians like healthcare providers are really suffering right now. We need help and the way I'm sending it to my hospital is that coaching is not a recommendation. It's like you help people not to get in that situation.

Bobbi: 24:50

Is it a Bulgarian trait working so hard, and also, is it a Bulgarian trait to serve others? Is that something that is a big part of your culture?

Bistra: 25:03

I was erased by my parents with the idea that you work hard and you don't wait, and you wait for it to be recognized, but you don't go and ask for anything. But I think, actually I would like to think, that physicians people who choose to go into medicine because of passion are like this type of people. They just yeah. I mean, i would like to think so because I see how my husband works, i see my colleagues like we are, yeah, we put our patients, their well-being, as our priority. For example, even though I'm a physiologist, i don't have patients in the hospital. I don't need to go around. But after we finish a case and two days later we go, we check on our patients. We get in conversations like hours after our work day finished, like make sure that the next day it's well prepared. We talk with our trainees to make sure that they know every detail about the patient, so there are no mistakes. So I think physicians in general, i think we are programmed.

Bobbi: 26:12

It was interesting. On your website, i was reading a bit about your story and you said in the past you had always done things for others. And then you asked yourself quite a powerful question, which was a wake-up call to you or for you, i should say And that question was what defines me. How hard was it to answer that question? if your focus has always been the well-being of others, how do you actually go through that process to be able to look within, when you've been so used to looking outside of yourself and serving outside of yourself?

Bistra: 26:53

You know, i think with COVID and the burnout that I had, that was like the wake-up call for me, because for years I had no problems serving others and, as I said, as part of my upbringing and I think it's also generational We were never taught how to think about ourselves or, for example, nobody ever told me that if you take good care of yourselves, you'll be able to take better care for everybody And like was that? Yeah, that was like something that I learned with coaching. It was like and as a physician's read also, constantly nobody at the hospital is asking us how we feel. We just expected to just keep going. So for me, figuring out and actually identifying some of the limiting beliefs that I have had and there are, like many of them just socially, culturally imprinted and installed just identifying those things, because what I found also is some of those have been the reasons why they kept holding me back. For example, i was talking with a friend of mine who is also very big proponent of coaching and is helping me with pushing the program at the hospital level. I was sending a like before coaching I will never push so hard and I will never like if somebody tells me now I'll be like, oh okay, i'm sorry, i offered inconvenience, right. And now I'm just like, actually, no, i know I'm making a difference and people need that. You closing this door, i will go knock at the other. So this the kind of I empowered myself because I become firm believer of certain things. I found like my purpose in those mutings, like I'm gonna push for it And at some point it might not be successful, but at least I'm like I know I did it.

Bobbi: 28:49

Yeah, it's amazing hearing you and speaking with you And I can only imagine the positive change you're having on your clients. You're a walking talking example of you know following through on what you help others with, so I just want to really thank you so much for joining us today.

Bistra: 29:09

Thank, you, bob. It was a real pleasure talking to you.

Bobbi: 29:13

Before we go, i'd like to ask you one question. If you had some wisdom to impart on another emptiness mom, or a bit of advice to emptiness mothers in general, what might that be?

Bistra: 29:26

Oh, there are so many things I can tell them. First and most important, you are not your kids and your identity. It's not just being a mother or being a parent, and for a very long time I thought so. I'll be 55 years old this year And for a very long time I was like, oh my God, by the time the kids finish school, all this so old, there's nothing for me, it's age of 50. It's not true. There is always time And if you motivated, if you want to create something and reinvent yourself, believe, believe you, can You so much wiser after raising your kids? Also, the other thing I want to say is what we sometimes experience really holding on so tightly to our kids, but try to let go of that grip and see them as grown ups, the relationship that you can actually create with them. They say like, move from being the cheerleader, but no move from being the coach to being their cheerleader. Right, it's the relationship. It's very different, but it's so fulfilling, just looking at the beautiful people and individuals you created. And it is I mean sorry to the husbands, but it's really because of everything we do for the kids. When they grow up, enjoy them, bring the conversations to different levels, they will really appreciate it. So you all, all of us with like wonderful people and there's, we should keep growing. Like being empty nest is not necessary. It's not the end of the road, so keep dreaming, keep going after your dreams.

Bobbi: 31:20

Oh, thank you so much. That's really really great advice And I hope when I'm in Boston next time I can actually come and say hello and have a cup of coffee. It would really be fantastic, because I'm a big fan of yours now, And so, for the listeners, we're going to put all of Bistra's links for her coaching practice and everything else that she's doing and her social media. We'll stick that in the podcast episode description. But I just want to say once again, Bistra, thank you so much. It's lovely to meet you via this forum and to all our listeners. Thank you so much for connecting and we will see you next time.