Divorce When You're a Midlife Mom with Nanette Murphy

Bobbi:

Hi everyone and welcome to Fly Mom Fly, the podcast celebrating the resilience and growth of mothers navigating the empty nest. In today's episode, we have a remarkable guest who turned her own challenges into inspiration for women everywhere. Nanette Murphy is a divorced Mom whose children left the nest early due to her divorce. What was once terrifying became a pleasant feeling, leading Nanette on a journey of self-discovery. Today she's a certified divorce life and health coach as well as a published author. Nanette, hi, it's so great to have you here.

Nanette Murphy:

Hi, Bobbi. Oh my gosh, thank you for having me. I just am really excited. I'm always excited when I can spread my message.

Bobbi:

I totally get it and when I first connected with you and saw that you were a divorce coach, I have been through a divorce myself and know how difficult that stage of life can be. However, I have come across a number of empty nest moms who are not only wondering what's next in this phase of life, but are also perhaps looking at their partner or spouse and thinking hang on a minute, now the focus of the kids has been taken away. I'm not really sure you're the one anymore that I wanna be parted with in this next phase of life. So I would love to hear about, I shouldn't say I would love to hear about your divorce because this was really weird, but because they're not the happiest times in life, but what I would love to hear is the beginning of your story because I know this story Yes, it was painful initially, but it has led to something so powerful and profound in your life. So if you can share from the beginning about your circumstances.

Nanette Murphy:

Oh, absolutely. Well, that's kind of what my book, Shattered Dreams and New Beginnings is. It's following my life. As a young girl, I met my ex-husband. I was 18 years old. We were together 30 years in total, married almost 25. There's a new word that I've come to say. It was paralyzing. When I realized my divorce, it was inevitable, truly. spent a long time trying to deny it, trying to make things work. And then I realized I had to just let go. It was just, it was draining me, draining me, and I wasn't healthy. So with that, of course, it took a few years to get divorced and get life on track again. But looking back, a friend of mine and I went through the same thing at the same time, and we say, you don't realize how dark it is until the sun shines again and you look back and go, wow, it was dark. It was really dark. And I've learned that, again, looking back, healing doesn't happen overnight. Healing is an active process. It doesn't magically occur. You have to be conscious of it. And that's what I did. I just, I mean, and, well, looking back as the healing process, healing is an active process. So I realized that and I was just, I was determined, just determined to make my life work. Was it scary? Absolutely. I was so fearful of the future. I felt like I would always feel empty and that was a really horrible feeling. But time goes on and I actually always said I would never marry again, but I did. I'm actually celebrating my fourth anniversary tomorrow.

Bobbi:

Congratulations to you.

Nanette Murphy:

Thank you. And you know what? It's a very unusual lifestyle. We don't even really live together, but that's another story for another day. But it was actually in 2020 where I always knew from the time I was divorced, which I think was 2015, to 2020, that I was supposed to be doing something and I wasn't quite sure what it was. And I just kind of let, you know, it was always in the back of my mind of trying to figure it out. But in 2020, you know, the world shut down and I decided to be, do something useful with my life. So, I started taking online courses. And You know what? It's a long story, but it just really snowballed from there. And life coaching certification, health coaching certification. And then I discovered in 2021 that divorce coaching was a thing. I didn't even, I don't know about you, but I didn't know there was such a thing as a divorce coach when I was divorcing. And I discovered recently that I Googled how to save my marriage, but it didn't occur to me to Google how do I divorce. Because what does society tell you? Oh, you have to get a lawyer. Well, you have to get a lawyer. Well, yeah, you do for sure. But there's so much more to it than that. And that's really what I'm the message that I'm trying to get out to women who are contemplating, who are in maybe preparing and struggling, or maybe they have already divorced and they need to know what do I do now. But I've kind of say all the time divorce. is an emotional journey, not just a legal battle. And I have to say, what I do today, I never imagined myself being in this position five years ago, never in a million years, speaking to people, you know, I've had a virtual summit, you know, it just wasn't who I was. But I've learned that when you're passionate about something and you have a mission, you will scream it from the mountaintops so that people will listen because it is so necessary. And I only coach women and especially women who are divorcing later in life because when you've been with someone for 30 years and then suddenly you're on your own, yeah it's terrifying.

Bobbi:

I think, sorry, I was just going to say I think one thing that keeps, well, I'm going to share my own experience because I can't talk on behalf of all women and generalise, but I know in my own experience, one of my core needs is safety, security and comfort. It

Nanette Murphy:

Mm-hmm.

Bobbi:

has lessened over the years as I have felt safer. and grow and older and become more sure of myself. But in my late thirties, I was very dependent on that core need of safety, security and comfort.

Nanette Murphy:

Okay.

Bobbi:

I had actually married due to that core need. I was only 23 when I got married, but I felt that ship was sailing and I went in that direction to have, more of that need filled because my Mom had died suddenly when I was 16 and then when I was 20, dad remarried and he actually moved out of the family home and I've got six siblings who are older than me so they were out of the family home. My younger sister was overseas at school so I just was desperate to re-kick. recreate, sorry, that feeling of safety, security and comfort. So I told myself this person was the right person and at that point I thought he was based on the fact that he could fill that need for me and we did get two beautiful gorgeous girls out of the marriage but down the track I could see that he wasn't for me, but still it was that core need. I was so afraid of not being safe, not being secure, not having financial protection, starting again on my own. And it was quite terrifying. So I, there were definite reasons why I should have left earlier, but it was that need to be safe. and secure that kept me in a relationship for so much longer than its expiry date. But I just want to say to anyone who is feeling that way, trust me, if I can step away being at that time the biggest scaredy cat in the world with two little kids, eight and four,

Nanette Murphy:

Oh boy.

Bobbi:

anyone can do it.

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's I, that was definitely the same feeling I had. It was a fear of being on my own and managing life on my own. And I'm happy to say now with determination and building my courage, I, the future excites me. I just, you know, I can't wait to see what's around the corner. But I know that it's not easy. It's, again, paralyzing is such a good word. It's devastating. You're just feeling like lost, empty. But it does get better. It does get better. It's just that first step is so difficult. And for me, I remember I eventually moved out of the marital home. And that was such a freeing experience. And it was almost like those four walls were caging me. And once I left and yeah, it was just like the world opened up to me. Was it always easy? Absolutely not. No, nothing's, it's not a cakewalk. I always tell women, hang on, cause it's going to be a bumpy ride. But coaching, divorce coaching is... I just can't even put into words how essential it is for women to just have that person help you prepare because again, we all think you have to immediately go to your divorce attorney. And in my theory, that's the third hire. Your first hire is your coach. Your second hire is your financial advisor because all women, most women, it's their finances that they're most fearful of. So once they can get comfortable with that. and make some decisions, then they can go to their attorney and they're ready. It's like, here, you know, I've got their emotional well-being, the financial well-being is taken care of. Then the lawyer can just deal with the legal matters because I've talked to a few lawyers that are actually encouraging their clients to get divorce coaching because they are so emotional. But they spend more of their time. The clock is ticking at $500 an hour. They spend more time with the emotional side of it rather than really just like, let's get down to facts. This is what we need to do. This is what I want. This is what I don't want. But

Bobbi:

That's so true.

Nanette Murphy:

yeah, I hear so many women say, well, I can't afford it. Well, you can't afford not to really.

Bobbi:

Yeah, I think what's also, I would say from my own experience, a

Nanette Murphy:

of

Bobbi:

valid

Nanette Murphy:

it.

Bobbi:

reason why to connect with a divorce coach is that friends and family can only help so much emotionally. There are a couple of things to that. They do have their own lives. There is so much we need to release, so many emotions we have to process, so many questions we have to ask. It's really just like we are purging everything that's going on. And in fairness to our friends and family, they might not have the time and energy to deal with that to the extent that you need help. And this is where a coach is really going to help, I think. Also,

Nanette Murphy:

Mm-hmm.

Bobbi:

there is the fact that these people might also be connected to your partner. So it's really hard for them to take a side and to really, I guess, process and help out with what you are going through. So you really, I think it's so worthwhile to go with someone who is not emotionally attached and

Nanette Murphy:

Absolutely.

Bobbi:

purge. everything you need to with someone who is going to take your hand and gently lead you through that process.

Nanette Murphy:

Yep, yep, and that's exactly what it is. It's a coach walks beside you through it. And especially, I feel like most divorce coaches have been divorced. So you've got someone who knows how you feel. And that's why I only coach women. And I really, my main focus is women divorcing later in life. 40 and over is pretty much the age range that I coach. But... I had a woman, I have a private Facebook group and I had a woman request to join and she said, I don't need coaching, I have a counselor. And I want to tell, I tell people, coaching and counseling are not the same thing. They're not. That's what we learn when we are becoming a life coach. Like if your client, if they feel they need counseling, then you need to recommend they need counseling. they deal with more of the past and mental illness and no that's not what I do. I want to help you, definitely help you emotionally, give you some healing techniques which I've learned, give you guidance on how to prepare and then you know again, answer questions through the process. But truly that what's next phase is also. So important. That's the rest of your, this is your future. This is the next chapter. I say you get to write it yourself. You hold the pen. So

Bobbi:

Quite

Nanette Murphy:

let's,

Bobbi:

true.

Nanette Murphy:

you know, create goals. And in my coaching in self-care is more than half of what I like to focus on. Because again, it's an emotional journey. You can't just, it's not matter of fact.

Bobbi:

Mm-hmm.

Nanette Murphy:

So I really try to at the end of each session say, okay, now what are we doing for you this week? What are you doing? What are you taking care of yourself? Cause it's not just, Oh, maybe this week I'll do this notes. It's an everyday occurrence that you have to do something.

Bobbi:

Is there a specific or a general set of concerns and fears that you find midlife women have when it comes to getting divorced?

Nanette Murphy:

Oh, for sure. The first and foremost is probably finances. You know, how they're going to manage financially. Because unfortunately, a lot of the spouses aren't quite as giving. You know, most states are fifty-fifty, but I do come across women that I actually recommend forensic accountants for them because unfortunately there is that. It's the need for the man to not give them everything that is theirs, not extra, not what they should, it's what is theirs after they've been married so many years. And the other fears, yes children, depending on the age that they are, but even as adults, it's still a struggle for the kids. But the other fears, are they going to be alone forever? Are they going to find someone? some women like myself. I mean I said I would never get married again but I always knew I would have a partner. I always knew that someone would be in my life. But yeah that's a big fear for women is you know am I gonna live out my days lonely which is really sad, which is really sad.

Bobbi:

So you mentioned a forensic accountant and it's interesting because I, when I was going through that process, that was a great fear of mine. Would I have enough? And I know that is a specific concern with people that I have spoken to about, you know, perhaps possible separation and. divorce. So are forensic accountants easily accessible? Are there a lot of them? Because I've never really heard of that term but I love it because we need to know exactly what's going on and you're right sometimes there could be hidden finances or even finances in areas that you didn't even know I guess where money was put maybe into shares or something like that.

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah, forensic accountants, they're out there. You

Bobbi:

Mm-hmm.

Nanette Murphy:

have to look for them. I mean, I would think that the first place you could start is if you have your own accountant. Your attorney might have one. Yeah, you can find them. I had one. And, you know, a lot of times it's people who are divorcing with a high net worth, but not always. Because let's face it, our generation, my generation, 58, so I didn't handle the investments in my marriage. My ex-husband did. I handled the day-to-day bills, so I knew what it took to run household. But yeah, he was in control of the big pot. And many women are like that who've been married. 20, 30, 40 years. That's just the way it was, you know? And there's no shame in that. But that's the other thing that they have to prepare for is, okay, now you're in charge. You need to know how much your electric bill, you need to know how much maybe your rent will be or your mortgage will be. These are all things that they have to prepare themselves for. But yes, but a forensic accountant, I've lived it and found some money that... you know, wasn't put on the table right away. And I actually, I'm gonna share this real quick story with you. I have a financial advisor and she only helps women of high net worth. So this woman, they're divorcing, 30 years married. And clearly they have some money, you know, she lives a lifestyle. And he was offering her. $100,000 a year for four years in the divorce. And she was frantic, so she went to her financial advisor and the financial advisor helped her do some digging. Her soon to be ex-husband was worth $7 million.

Bobbi:

Oh.

Nanette Murphy:

That story shook me to the core because I thought, that's just one story.

Bobbi:

Mm.

Nanette Murphy:

That's one woman in one state in this whole country. Tell me there aren't more. And I have a client that's very similar, you know? So that's why I like to say you have to hire your posse. You have to hire your team. This is not just, I mean... Maybe there are some marriages that you can just, you haven't been married long, you go to your lawyer, split everything and it's done, it's amicable, you go your way. But chances are if you've been married 20, 30, 40 years, there's a lot to separate, there's a lot to think about. And that's where I want to help women make sure that they don't make mistakes because again, I've spoken to women who look back and go... wow, I just didn't do that right, or I made that decision too quick, or I was manipulated through this. And one of the things that I literally pat myself in the back and I take pride in is that when I divorced, I was financially stable. I had no worries. But I also wanted to make sure that I didn't overspend and didn't go crazy. So I... Like literally for the last 10 years, I've had my allowance is what I call it. It's like I say to my advisor, okay, what's my allowance going to be? But I needed to do that. I stopped using credit cards for a year. Just had my debit card. And so I knew in my mind, okay, I had a little leftover so I can, I can spend a little more next month. My, my budgeting can, can go up, but these are all things that you have to do. before that paper is signed.

Bobbi:

It's funny you talking about your budget. The first time I became truly empowered was as a single mother. And we moved away from Sydney because I couldn't afford rent in Sydney. So we left the family home and the girls and I moved an hour and a half south of Sydney to a beautiful seaside town called Kayama. And it's quite funny because I always imagined myself. like in those Lifetime movies where you have the Heather Locklear of 20 years ago, where she's driving her two-tone station wagon with all the cases on the top and her two kids in the back and she drives into this small town and straight away she knows it's just going to be the right move.

Nanette Murphy:

I

Bobbi:

So that's

Nanette Murphy:

love

Bobbi:

the

Nanette Murphy:

it.

Bobbi:

mindset that I went to Kiama with and it's interesting the when I didn't have a lot of money but for the first time in my life I felt so wealthy because I had a certain amount each month. I had some child support, I was working and I had some in Australia. The government will assist you with certain things like phone bills and that sort of thing. So they throw in a bit as well but I was also working and I also had child support. Excuse me. And what I really loved to do when it became exciting for me each month was to have my budget. I would pay my rent first because we needed a roof over our head. I would pay our bills second like utilities because we needed the lights on and the gas and all that sort of stuff. Thirdly I would do our food shopping and then whatever was left over we would be able to go out and treat ourselves. And we did things like, there wasn't a lot. So if we went to the movies, for instance, we would go to the grocery store first and buy our $1 bottle of water and our $1 candy bar. But

Nanette Murphy:

Yep.

Bobbi:

we were living the life. And I think because the energy around finances changed for me, I didn't have a lot, but I was in control and I was kicking my finances, but. And

Nanette Murphy:

Yep.

Bobbi:

for me, I think changing my focus and actually being in control of my own little budget, in a sense, I think that magically, I'll say magically, but it's energetically, I believe, via the law of attraction, it brought life to a place where financially, it was a lot easier than when I was married and we had more money. And I just

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah.

Bobbi:

felt like I was rocking it on a day to day So that's what I did and it just, I felt liberated. I felt proud of myself

Nanette Murphy:

Absolutely.

Bobbi:

and I was providing for my kids. It wasn't a lavish lifestyle. However, we were making it. And that's what I think the most important thing was. A question I have for you, Nanette, is... A lot of midlife Moms who are coming to you would have a real concern about how a divorce is going to affect their adult kids. Do

Nanette Murphy:

Mm-hmm.

Bobbi:

you think their fears are, I mean, of course, kids are always going to be upset and saddened, but does it have the impact on the kids, the negative impact on the kids? that they think it might be. How do the kids react to midlife parents divorcing?

Nanette Murphy:

That is what

Bobbi:

So, I'm going to stop here. Thank you

Nanette Murphy:

my

Bobbi:

for

Nanette Murphy:

kids

Bobbi:

your time.

Nanette Murphy:

were 22, 18 and 15, I think, something like that. You know, every child is different. But I'm going to speak. like from my space, it was tough on them. It was tough because coming from a family who appeared to have it all, and we did, and then all of a sudden their world shatters. And for me, I felt, because there was a couple years there where we tried to hide everything, when I came out of that fog, I felt. The only thing I felt shame about was how I had been a mom those last two years. I was heartbroken because I could barely keep my own stuff together, you know, let alone. And I did. I went through my routine. I did everything I had to do and I felt like I had this mask on and no one knew when everyone knew. You know. And I will say, one of the first things I did... when my divorce was final is I wrote a letter to my children and just apologized and said, I'm so sorry. I did not handle this well. I didn't handle myself well. And I'm sorry. And they were all very like, oh my gosh, mom, no, of course it's okay. No, you know, we accept your apology. But it was for me, I needed to get that off of my chest. Now for other women, I do know that some... Children get angry at the divorce. They don't, you know, if the mom leaves, they get mad. The thing is, is that as an adult child, you can't, you have to let them have their emotions. You have to let them have their feelings. And you know, there's also, I know in my situation, my daughter once said, I just wished everyone would stop lying to me. And all I said to her was, I know I've never lied to you. and you know, take that as you will. But I'm telling you, it's taken a long time for them to all come into their own and heal through their own counseling, through their own struggles. And it's tough to watch. It's really tough to watch. Now, I don't know what it's like to be divorcing when my children are little. And I quite honestly am very thankful they weren't because... I don't even know how my ex-husband would have parented if they were small children. The thought of it almost terrifies me. I don't even want to think about it. Not that he wasn't a good dad, he just wasn't always responsible and mind going in another direction. Whether they're little teenagers, adults, yeah, it affects them because I had one... One woman say, oh, my daughter is angry because now she has to split between two holidays and things like that. And all I could say to her was, you know, you're not responsible for her happiness now. She's a mom herself, and she has to understand that you're not happy in this marriage, and you can't stay together just for Christmas holidays. Excuse me.

Bobbi:

Do you think society judges women who leave the marriage differently than they judge men?

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah, I think so, personally. Yeah, I bet that's just my own humble personal opinion. You know, in my situation, it was infidelity and like the story is really awful, but yeah, it's, but still people are, they're accepting. But yeah, I don't even know how to go on from there, but. Yeah, society definitely looks at, I feel like, women differently if they leave the marriage, when it appears that everything's okay.

Bobbi:

Yeah, yeah, see this is the thing, people don't really know what goes

Nanette Murphy:

Exactly.

Bobbi:

on behind closed

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah, I just

Bobbi:

doors.

Nanette Murphy:

thought of that. When they think everything is okay, well, it's not, you know, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. That's such a true, true fact.

Bobbi:

That's true. And you mentioned before healing techniques. Are you able to share some of those techniques with us?

Nanette Murphy:

Yeah, I can. I mean, for me, I learned how to meditation was huge. It was always something I struggled with. But I truly learned to be present and to give myself grace. And to one of the things that I found was a huge healing part for me was volunteer work. starting to give back to my community. I mean, I always did, but I was never like hands-on, you know, so I want to share a little quick little story with you because it just came to mind as part of my healing. So I was a volunteer at a daycare center. It was a homeless shelter that had a daycare center. It's in a local county just over from us and a shelter that I've been supporting I got a real tough job, I'm rocking babies, feeding babies, you know, it was so tough. But you know, this one particular day I went in and I was almost didn't go in because I just had a bad night. But I did. So I'm fast forward, I'm in this dark room rocking this little baby's sleep and I am just tears are pouring down my face. I can't like, I'm trying to hold back the gasps. And I thought to myself, oh my god, I shouldn't be here. I need to go home. This is not where I should be. And I don't know, there was something that came over me that I felt, nope, I'm exactly where I should be. Because these little people were just teaching me that you're going to be fine. You know, life, I mean, these little lives, their parents are drug and alcohol addicted. this shelter is helping them and I'm right where I'm supposed to be. That was a huge healing moment in my journey. And again, that with just learning to, I know some people get freaked out by the word meditation. There's so much more to it than just closing your eyes and, you know, saying you're, you know, humming. I have actually just... finished a course on positive intelligence and learning to train your brain to be more positive. There's a sage, your sage brain and your saboteur brain. We all have judges that are telling you can't do something or telling you why are you doing that or why are you so useless. And this is something that I now want to bring into my coaching practice because you really have to train your brain to think. You can do this. I am capable. And it's all possible. But the other thing too is, you know, getting out for nature walk, biking, hiking, go to the gym if you want to go to the gym. If you're already active, up your, you know, step up your game. And that's why I'm again, really focused on self care. You know, if you're a terrible eater, start eating better. You know, let's, let's work on your eating habits. Let's focus on you so that, you know, all this mess that's over here, you can get through it. You can deal with it. For me, essential oils, a huge, huge healing factor for me. All those. And you know what I used to do is adult coloring.

Bobbi:

Yes.

Nanette Murphy:

I found that so peaceful. And I would sit in my bed, TV on, and I would color. And yeah, it was, there's so many... things that you can do to heal if you go back to what you used to do when you were younger. You know, maybe you painted, maybe you love to read, maybe you want to write a book.

Bobbi:

What a great

Nanette Murphy:

Oh, thank

Bobbi:

conversation.

Nanette Murphy:

you.

Bobbi:

I wanna thank you so much and point out that Nanette does have a book that I think you should all seek out. It's called Shattered Dreams and New Beginnings. I will be posting all your links on the description of this podcast episode. There is so much good information that you have provided us today. And as I said at the beginning, There are a number of women whose kids have left who are kind of now realizing that the person that they married or partnered with maybe 20, 30 years ago isn't really the person for them now in this stage of life. So I wanted to let everyone know there are resources, there is help, definitely get in touch with Nanette if this is you and you need some guidance. So thank you so much for joining us today.

Nanette Murphy:

Thank you so much, Bobbi. This has been such a pleasure. And yeah, it was just wonderful. Thank you for allowing me here.

Bobbi:

I'm sure there's even more on this topic that we can unpack. So I would love to get you back in the future to talk in detail about certain areas of this process. So once again, thanks for hopping on. And to the listeners, I really appreciate you jumping on as well and connecting with us. And until next time, thanks for listening to Fly Mom Fly.